How to Know a Person

Context for the book

David Brooks grew up a bit emotionally detached (I can somewhat relate!). He's a writer, and his other books which focused on making broad generalizations about people based upon little bits of behavior, appearance, and areas he noticed about them. Instead of trying to seek knowledge, David wanted to become wise. To be the sort of person who people confided in, shared their problems with, and who was in touch with his emotional side.

Knowing a person – to really know a person means 'beholding them'. Seeing them in all their splendor, their reasons for being, why they do the things they do. Too often we don't really. Interestingly, for couples–they tend to get worse at knowing what one another mean as time goes on, not better!

Fierce Attachments – there's a great story in here about the memoir Fierce Attachments. In it, the author shares her experiences growing up with her mother (who tragically lost her husband at the age of 35). The whole book goes around in circles as neither party seeks to really understand the other.

Ways we do not know a person

• making broad generalizations upon just meeting them
• assuming 'lesser motivations' – when business students were asked why they study business, they answered "because it seemed interesting and impactful". when asked about their peers, they said "for the money".
• broad labels – it's easy to think of a person as 'hardworking' or 'trustworthy', but in reality most people are a huge mix of these labels. Picasso was both a bit of a jerk, but also emotionally very sensitive. Elon comes to mind as a person who works in extreme contradictions. But really, this is all of us.

Illumination

There are some people who do an amazing job of 'illuminating' others. These people focus on making the other person feel seen, and then illuminate where they might grow. Brooks shares a number of stories here about people who make the others around them feel warm and recognized. That the reason Michael Lewis gets such good interviews is that he makes the interviewee feel special.

Accompaniment

Once you've illuminated someone, the next step is to accompany them. To put yourself in their shoes and understand what it is that makes them really tick. A big part of this is respecting them and helping them grow.

Small talk is an under-rated way of understanding someone. You sometimes learn more about a person based upon how they interact with a waiter vs asking them some deep question of life philosophy. I'd never really appreciated small-talk until this point, and instead had viewed it as sort of a waste of time. By pointing out it's purpose, I'm actually much more inclined to practice.

Shared, low-stakes activities are a great way to build intimacy and mutual respect. There's an example of two women training dogs together, and using that as an excuse to build an understanding between one another.

The value of play. For any activity, there are two ways to approach it: either as work, or as play. You could view a game of tennis as work, focusing on every stroke and movement. Or you could view it as fun, rejoicing in great hits by your opponent. I'm reminded of stories of Roger Federer here, apparently he would try and hit anything that was round with a racket and practiced all manner of goofy trick shots. To him, tennis was purely a game.

Just showing up for someone. Sometimes all you need to do is be present for someone. You don't have to say anything, or try and come up with some deep aphorism. Instead, just show up for them. There's a story of a university professor who lost her husband. As part of her class, she'd have students bring in photos of their family on the first day. She told the class she was dreading the first day of class next year, because she'd have to confront the memory of her husband. The next year, her class was double the size, as each of the students from the prior year returned.

The value of emoting. If you don't make it clear how you feel inside, you'll never get anything back from anyone else!

What is a person?

A person is a particular point of view on the world. It's unique to them (sort of Rick Rubin-esque). Even if two events happened the same way, two people's views on them will be really different. There's a vignette in here from the French author Emanuel Carrere about vacationing in Sri Lanka during a Tsunami. He and his girlfriend were staying with one other couple, who lost their daughter in the incident. This horrifying experience changed the lives of everyone involved: Carrere's feelings towards himself, towards his girlfriend (who he was drifting away from), the girls' mother, and her husband.

Character is no longer taught in schools. Schools once sought to 'teach students to have character'. Now though they are much more in pursuit of knowledge. This resonates deeply with my own experiences. Most of the time schools are focused on teaching you how to pass tests. It's the mentors and wisdom you get from parents that helps you learn the rest.

Mutual respect. A key part of any sort of relationship is expressing mutual respect. Never forget this.

On suicide there are a few stories of helping someone who is suicidal. Sometimes just enough to be there for them, not try and offer solutions. It's okay to discuss death. You just don't feel anything at all.

Empathy. Understanding the little motions of how a person feels.It can be developed with noticing. Easy to mistake emotions.

Exercises to run. In my family we always. In my family we never. "Story of your life" from your partners perspective.

The big 5 vs Meyers-Briggs MBTI doesn't actually have much basis in science at all. It's full of these odd trade-offs (most people who are highly capable thinkers are also highly capable feelers). Instead, we should look at The Big 5 Personality Test. It tests: agreeableness, extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness. In general, people become more open as they get older (but not always).

George W Bush was high extroversion, but low openness to ideas. Used to go around a press group and give each member the ability to ask a single question. He could light up a room in private, but was fairly wooden in public. There's a wonderful story about him, where he was at odds with the leader of the democratic party while he was governor of Texas. The democratic leader said "George, I'm sorry about this, but I'm going to have to "

Life tasks. A better frame for thinking about how a person is feeling is considering their "life task". This is borne out of developmental psychology, and the idea is that at any given time, we have a dominant 'mode' or task we are trying to complete. These may shift over time... as babies we are all about creating an emotional bond with our parents, we are near-sighted, and only can focus on the faces close to us. As two-year-olds, we realize we need to become our own people and learn the words 'no'. As teenagers, we may feel more need to conform. A number of life tasks: focusing on one's career and accomplishing things, focusing on giving back and being 'generative' for future generations, focusing on relationships, focusing on honing one's skills in a particular field.

Life stories How did the person relate to their parents? What is the story they tell about their life. This will tell you how confident they are, what they naturally see themselves as.

Culture is a gift, but not something we are defined by. In some sense, we come from a culture and will follow it's general rules... but an individual is still an individual!